Monday, September 11, 2017

Death of a Lesbian


That is what should have been said two years ago!  I was in a dark place, I thought dirt was more valuable than me.  I was in deep depression, in an abusive relationship, and saw no way out.  I thought the world would be better without me.  So, after a night of hearing how horrible I was, I hit a very big low and decided I had enough.

I can remember sitting on my bed and unloading all my pills into one pile.  I took a leather belt and attached it to the wall.  I sat there, crying, and wrote a final note.  I then downed every last pill.  I took a whole bottle of Latuda, Lamictal, Synthroid, Tylenol pm, and Advil pm.  I blacked out.

Three days later, I woke up in the hospital.  My mother was there and we just looked at each other.  I did not realize it had been three days.  I immediately wanted out of the hospital and get back to life since I failed.  Yet if you asked me, I did not want to live either.

I stayed two weeks in a mental hospital till I could prove that I was not going to do anything at the time.  When I got out, I stayed in a hotel as I no longer had a home to go to.  I worked and slept.  I was still in the dark place and thought about dying daily, but I could not figure out how to do it and be successful.

A few months went by and I decided something had to change.  I reached out, honestly reached out.  I got in touch with a preacher of my past and asked for help.  I didn't want to feel like I did and I did not know how to change.

I did not know then that my whole life would change.  I got honest with this old friend of mine for the first time.  I did not run from the pain.  I really wanted to change and I knew what I was doing was not working.

I did not know then that the work of God to bring me back to Him was already in place.  I was doubting my pagan belief and already made up my mind to walk from it, but I was not prepared for where I walked to.  I began going to church, I met with my preacher friend weekly, and I started researching things.

I had to do my homework.  I needed to know I would be accepted no matter what and that me being gay was not a big deal.  I started reading books, I started this blog a year ago, and I got busy.  Before I knew it, I was ready to dedicate my life to God and wanted to live.

So why have I written all this?  It is not to get a good job or apologize, but to show to people even if it is just one person, that things can change.  That there is coming back from the depths of suicide and depression.  That it can be done.

So what did it take?  How was I able to go from wanting to die to want to live?  The simple answer would be God.  But there was more to it than that.  There was a process to follow.


  1. Step one, let go of the idea of dying.
  2. Step two, realize things had to change.
  3. Allow someone I trust into my life to help me.
  4. Ask for help.
  5. Research for myself about things.
  6. Let go of old thoughts and ideas
  7. Let God into my life
  8. Let God work in my life
  9. Praise God for the work
  10. Decide to live again.
Sure there was more to it, like hours of talking things out.  And there were days that I had to force myself out of bed.  There were times I didn't want to work and times I didn't want to go to counseling.  Yet, even when I didn't want to, I went.  I was committed to changing my life!

To this day I still see my preacher weekly.  I don't feel right when we don't meet.  I have learned much about life and God over time through all this.  And I know a new freedom and joy of life.

If you are out there, you don't want to live but you don't want to feel that way, there is the help available.  Reach out, even if it is to a stranger like me.  Talk, nothing changes till you talk and get help. I will leave you with this final thought:

In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind.
John 1:4

To live, we must die to self and it is then we find life in Christ!